*sigh* Whatever.

Tomorrow is a big day.  Lately, all days feel like big days but tomorrow is significantly bigger than most.  In the past several days since I've posted, I took Natasha in for her regular counseling appt.,  had a 2 and 1/2 hour phone interview with a clinician from the NIMH in Maryland, and delivered Jason to the airport at 4a.m. for his flight to Alaska.  The counseling appt. went ok.  Natasha first refused to participate and said she was not going to talk, so her counselor had both of us come in and eventually pressed Nat into joining.  It turned out ok and we got some good mood charts to do for homework but Natasha was really angry at me later because I had told her that she didn't have to talk if she didn't want to.  So... even though she was feeling great at the close of the session, she still chose to hold on to the idea that I had betrayed her.  Even though I never once told her that she had to answer and I told the counselor she wasn't interested in participating.  *sigh*  Whatever. 

Then, the phone thing which went very well for a phone interview.  I didn't have any interruptions or distractions because it was at 6:30a.m., but it was hard.  She had me on speaker phone so another psychiatrist could listen in, which was fine, but it was hard to go back over a lifetime and remember time lines and medicine changes and moods and all.  Kind of exhausting.  I feel bad because I bet a really great mom would know all this stuff but I have a way of blocking out painful memories and that doesn't serve me well in this situation.  I tried though and the clinician seemed to think I was doing a good job. We weren't able to finish all of the questions she had and at one point she said "I don't have to tell you that your daughter is a complicated little girl."   Yeah.  You don't have to tell me.  I really want someone to just have some definitive answers but I'm trying not to get discouraged.  *sigh* Whatever... again. 

Jason heard part of the conversation and when I got off the phone he said  "Wow.. sounds really bad when you say it all together like that!"  I had been answering questions about our drug use, mental illnesses and criminal history.  Blegh.  So... now he's gone and I haven't even talked to him since we said goodbye at the airport.  He can't call from where he is but I know he got there safely because of his debit card activity.  I hope he's doing well!  Tomorrow morning at 10:30a.m. we have our 75 minute appt. with the pediatric bipolar specialist who works at Seattle Children's Hospital and the University of Washington as well as her own private practice.  I have all the 50 some pages of intake paperwork filled out and I'm excited but really incredibly nervous.  I'm terrified she's going to tell us she has no idea what's wrong with Natasha.  *sigh*  Whatever, yet again. 

I'm so overwhelmed by all of this.  It really stinks.  Plus Natasha has been really cruel lately and I know she's anxious too but she handles it poorly.  After the morning appt., I have the rest of the phone interview with NIMH at 1:30.  The clinician said we had about 1/2 hour left.  Then at 3p.m. we have her appt. with Dr.J for a med check and hopefully he will start her on Lamotrigine.  In the midst of all of this craziness, I'm learning that my recurring depression that I've had and have been treated for off and on since I was 15, coupled with my sometimes sudden suicidal thinking, anger issues and weeks of time where I block out all else and focus on creating, (writing books, poetry, building things, doing art) is probably bipolar 2 instead of recurrent major depression.  I don't even want to talk about it to anyone because people will probably think I'm being a hypochondriac and I just think I have the same thing my daughter has.  *SIGH*  WHATEVER....AGAIN.

Not So Secrets of NIMH - Part 2

I had my first "interview" this morning with a research assistant from the NIMH.  She explained the types of programs they are doing right now and gave me an outline of how they work.  There are two different studies going one, one for pediatric bipolar disorder that clearly fits into the current DSM's parameters and one for SMD.  She said they have an inpatient or outpatient study available and explained how each would work.  The inpatient study is pretty extensive and the child may be there for several months.  They wean them off of whatever medication they're on and start fresh.  Then they participate in a clinical trial of medications that lasts 8 weeks. During that time they attend school, have their own nurse in the four bed facility and meet with the psych. every morning.  The NIMH flies out one parent every other week for a one day visit and provides food, travel and lodging. Eventually, after the clinical trial is concluded, they are stabilized and returned home. 

For the outpatient study they work with the home psych to advise on diagnosis and medication after they do extensive tests there in Maryland. Then the child returns every year for more tests and they do phone interviews every six months.  They follow the child until age 25.  I'm excited because she said they are more than happy to provide 2nd opinions and your child does not have to have the diagnosis before they qualify.  So... this may be a good opportunity for Natasha.  A clinician is going to call me back and set up the second phone interview, which will be about 1.5 hours.  Then they will present the case at the next meeting of Dr.s there and decide whether or not to accept Natasha into the facility.